of course i still wonder if this is worth doing. if the touch of a hand will bring warmth that will not fade. i am lost in this maze of flesh and wants, seeing the negative and positive, judging neither and following the only obvious path. when i kiss my girl i only want it to be over, it doesn't bring me pleasure, only this pitiful suggestion of what pleasure should be, in the way a few pennies suggests real money. is it that i care for myself so little now that its impossible to care for others? how is it that its not written plain as day on my face, my nonchalance and my absentness.
like a paper boat in a drainpipe, surrounded by dirt and beauty im stuck in the tar, anything that moves me forward destroys me as well. i long for beauty but what could i do with anything beautiful? am i capable of preserving it, serving it, changing it, of even witnessing it at all? or am i so full of sorrow and regret that my words are meaningless whines and mumbles, perceived as self-referential babble by a populace that has no way of understanding? how can i change my facade, how can i empty this sad serenity that has flowed from the inner depths of my mind ever since i first realized i had to care for myself?
i cannot communicate wisdom i do not possess to people that have neither the time nor inclination to care or listen.
my madness will surely destroy me, for how can i fight the demon that brings me the only pleasure i know.

or mebbe im just upset cause there is no weight behind the kisses i receive, no sweeping melodrama that quickens my pulse and drives me crazy with confusion. and of course i want confusion, it gives me something to work for, a goal that cannot be accomplished simply be knowing what is wanted and doing it. any fool can do that. i want to work for something intangible only to have the focus switched to some other random point, for all perfect things have their flaws, only boredom is flawless.